Kate talks to two audience members in the front row asking them if they would be willing to help her out. When Kate finds two who agree, she stands center stage.

You know the kind of people who can list off all of the fun and special things they have planned to do for themselves on their birthday? They have an hour by hour breakdown of all of the cool activities they have scheduled for themselves or a list of special foods and music they want at the festivities.

They seem so clear on exactly what would make up the quintessential celebration of themselves and what gives them happiness.

I’m super jealous of them. I’m absolute shit at treating myself on my birthday.

To be more specific, I’m absolute shit at selecting what I want to do to treat myself on my birthday.

It’s not that there aren’t birthday things I enjoy. I like going out to dinner, drinking, eating cake. But when it comes down to selecting, planning, and then doing something that is just to please and celebrate me, I’m at a loss. Literally nothing comes to mind.

So, I’ve decided to work on that. And what better way than forcing myself on stage, under a time crunch with dire consequences if I fail, to choose birthday things I like.

Will the two lovely audience members I spoke with come join me on stage?

Two audience members join Kate on stage. AM#1 stands to her right. AM#2 stands to her left. Kate puts a stool with a box on it next to AM#1 and a stool with a cream pie on it next to AM#2.

In this box are pairs of things you need for a birthday party. The audience member to my right will hold up each of the pairs for me to choose the one I prefer. The audience member to my left will use this stopwatch [hands AM#2 a stopwatch] to keep time. It will be my task to select all the items I prefer in 30 seconds or less, or I’m getting a pie in the face. And it is a pie I don’t like.

Party items ready?

AM#1 responds in the affirmative.

Timer ready?

AM#2 responds in the affirmative.

Go!

AM#1 holds up a succession of party items, e.g. two different colored party hats, two different party blowers, two different sodas, two different cupcakes, two different color feather boas. Each item that Kate selects she puts on or eats/drinks. There should be enough pairs to make it quite a challenge.

If Kate gets through all the choices in 30 seconds, she stands before the audience victorious and says: So I can pick party things I like!

If Kate fails to get through all the choices in 30 seconds, AM#2 smooshes the pie in her face. Kate says: Guess I still need some work.

Final tableau of Kate in party gear, either clean or pied.

Curtain