I’m in training.

I’m pushing hard to make stuff and make it better, then pushing again to get it finished and released. The stress to meet my own deadlines isn’t always motivating or energizing. A lot of the time I feel anxious and uncertain.

It seems silly to put myself through it. I should just relax. No one is expecting all this art stuff I’m making, so why freak about it?

I could say I’m doing it to make up for lost time, since I wasn’t a prolific maker in my youth. I could say I’ve just got too many ideas and I need to get them out of me. Those aren’t wrong, but they’re not the whole deal.

I’m pushing myself because I don’t know how long these particular life circumstances will be around.

I don’t mean that in a memento mori way. Yeah, sure, we’ve all got a limited time on this earth, all that day seizing and whatnot. What I’m saying is I’ve got time right now to do stuff. The situation is optimal. I’ve got the capacity to do some heavy lifting.

It’s hard to do things you haven’t done before, and sometimes the only way to get over that is to do those things over and over again until you understand the shape of them. Understand how you react, where the pressure points are.

By putting myself in a stressful creative situation now, when the stakes couldn’t be lower, I’m learning how to keep being creative in the face of fear and pressure.

Things change. Shit happens. I just want my creative practice to be ready to weather the rough stuff if and when it does.



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